Post-Partum Depression… it hurts… really hurts

Here it is.

This topic is one of the main reasons I started this blog. It’s a really difficult subject for me to comfortably discuss but it shouldn’t be, for anyone. It’s not something to be ashamed of or to brush under the rug. It’s a painful, disappointing, challenging problem that so many post-partum women deal with.

Post-partum depression hurts. It hurts a lot.

And it doesn’t hurt just me. Post-partum depression hurts everyone around me, especially my husband.

It’s a feeling that is hard to explain and sometimes I don’t even want to admit it to myself let alone say it out loud. So I’m going to try my best to say it here. And I’m not saying this is how every woman with ppd is affected, but it is how ppd has affected me. And if you know someone who is also dealing with this or has a baby – reach out to them even just to talk or send them a motivational message just because. We need it <3

Some days I want to run away. From everything and everyone. I feel lost in diapers, breastfeeding, toys, repeated children songs, whining, crying, refusing to eat, etc. I feel as though I’ve lost this career-driven, ambitious woman and she’s been replaced with someone I don’t even recognize as I’m yelling at my toddler and arguing with my husband over every, single thing.

This is not me.

This is not the life I envisioned for our family.

Some days I want to return to my full-time job, something I really enjoyed and am very passionate about. But is it worth it? Will I regret it? Not just financially but in missing those everyday moments I’m so lucky to have with my little ones; the smiles, hugs, wet kisses, and just watching them enjoy life. These moments won’t last forever and someday I know I’ll want them back. That’s when the guilt sets in…

This is not me.

This is not the role I’ve envisioned for myself.

Some days I lock myself in the bathroom, ignoring the whining, loud, disaster occurring on the other side of the door. I just need 5 minutes of quiet time to clear my head and pause from the craziness and non-stopping pull in every direction. Or maybe 10 minutes?

This is not me.

This is not how I envisioned spending my time.

Some days the tv is on more than it is off. We’ve all been there, especially with little ones and a spouse who works long hours. I’m completely exhausted, every…damn…day. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get – I just have no energy. When it comes down to showering or sleeping I will choose sleep 97% of the time. In thinking about it now I guess I should probably choose showering since the amount of sleep I get never seems like it’s enough.

This is not me.

This is not how I envisioned our day.

Some days I take EVERYTHING out on my husband. Literally EVERYTHING! And for some reason I can’t stop – it just happens over and over and over. Yes I feel extreme guilt and I frequently apologize for it which one would think should be enough to cause a change. But I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like a volcano that continuously erupts.

This is not me.

This is not the marriage I envisioned for us.

Some days I can’t stop crying. It’s not just hormones – I’ve been there, we’ve all been there. This is more. This is uncontrollable. This is crying out of despair to feel normal again, to be able to remain calm, to go out in public without fear, to just be happy.

This is not me.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Some days I scream, slam doors and throw things at the wall because I feel like I’ve lost control.. of everything. This one is hardest to write because I’m sooo incredibly ashamed, embarrassed, confused, lost, helpless – I don’t even tell my close family. I finally admitted this to my midwife only after her questioning; she referred to this as post-partum rage and claims that it is actually very common although probably not diagnosed as often as it should be. I have never, I repeat, NEVER been a violent person and this honestly scares me.

This is not me.

This is not the person I am.

This is not what I want my children around.

Post-partum depression is 100% real; it makes motherhood 1000x more challenging than it already is; it impacts everyday decisions and thoughts; it changes how we perceive ourselves; it causes us to feel alone at a time when we are NEVER alone; it not only affects our relationships, it damages and breaks them; it destroys us at one of the most vulnerable, life-changing times in our lives.

It sucks. It really freaking sucks.

I have post-partum depression. I know others with post-partum depression. We are not alone even though we have never felt more alone.

Reach out… ask for help… email me.

~Kristin

FYI:  I have reached out to my midwife and we are working together on managing my ppd with medication and counseling, although I can’t say it is working like I wish it would.

 

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8 Comments

  • Christy Wohleber

    Hi Kristin,
    Thank you for being so brave and telling your stories to help others. I am a mother of a beautiful 2.5 year old girl! My life as a new mom was not what I thought it was going to be and I too suffer(ed) with PPD. While reading your post, I was check marking pretty much everything that you went through, I also went through! It brought me to tears because it was such a dark moment in my life that has actually caused me to re-think about even having a second child. It was that traumatic for me. I also just started a blog because I’m a SAHM and needed an outlet!! I’ve been complementing whether or not to share my story with everyone because I think most women are scare or afraid to admit that they are suffering from something that is so taboo to talk about. Thank you again for being so brave and helping others!!

    • thiswif4

      It wasn’t easy to put it out there but honestly I’m so glad I did. I’ve had so many women contact me to thank me and share their own stories; it’s been quite amazing.
      PPD is unbelievably damaging and I wish it wasn’t such a taboo topic. Although it is comforting to know that you’re not alone, because in those uncontrollable moments I can’t imagine someone understanding what I’m going through.
      Thank you for reaching out and sharing with me. I recommend that women do share their stories with others because even if it reaches one woman going through something similar, it’s totally worth it.

  • Heidi wincek

    Hi Kristin, it’s. been many years since I’ve had PPD bit the memories come flooding back when i read what others have gone through. What I thought would be the happiest time in my life turned out to be the scariest. I was having thoughts that no new mother would ever imagine and the guilt I felt because of that made it even worse. Thank you for sharing such a personal time in your life. I hope that other new mommies will feel comforted knowing they are not alone and there is help out there. They just have to make the call or tell a family member

    • thiswif4

      Thank you so much for your comment, it helps to hear that one day the struggles will be a memory and no longer a reality.

  • Julia

    So beautifully puts into words the feelings of many mothers. I sincerely admire your courage to share your struggles. It helps the rest of us know we aren’t alone. ❤️

    • thiswif4

      Thank you so much, I’m glad it helps ❤️

  • Pam Avoledo

    Thanks for sharing. It was really brave of you to write your story. You’ll be in my thoughts.

    • thiswif4

      Thank you so much ❤️

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